This is why I should go to sleep after work
March 14, 2010 § Leave a comment
It is 1.30am and I am sitting on the couch watching infomercials. How did I get to this sad state you ask? Simple, I am incapable of coming home and going straight to sleep after work. I have this complex where it’s like I’ve given up on the day if I were to just climb into bed and call it good after a night’s work.
I thought there was nothing on television in the wee hours of the morning in California. Move to Montana and your choices will be even more limited: Law & Order or informercials. Thank you, but I will pass on the depressing rape and serial killers at this hour of the day. Instead, I’d rather watch Jack LaLanne, fitness phenomenon (I’m not joking, that is his title, it appeared on the screen under his name just like a specialist’s credentials would appear under their name in a documentary) as he tries to sell us insomniac Americans a power juicer that will make our skin glow, give us limitless energy, and make all our health dreams come true. Is it wrong that I am actually considering buying one? Seriously, who doesn’t want all those things and all I have to do is drink freshly pressed fruit and vegetable juice?
The infomercials are getting better. Now it’s the Magic Bullet. No this is not a vibrator—although I am fairly certain this kitchen device is named after one. Instead it is some all in one blender, grinder, mixer that you can supposedly use to make pretty much everything from fresh guacamole to muffin batter to alfredo sauce, all in ten seconds or less, or you get your money back. Pardon me if I’m a little skeptical, obviously that ten seconds only pertains to blending time. Oh and you can cook with the Magic Bullet. Take that food processor! Take that blender! I should mention that the creators of the Magic Bullet define cooking as microwave safe. Sorry, but heating something up in the microwave is not equivalent to cooking in my world.
Really though, the best part of the Magic Bullet infomercial—besides the obvious sexual reference—are the ensemble of individuals they’ve put together to try and sell me their product. The setting is your typical all-American kitchen with a chirpy husband and wife showing off their new appliance to friends and neighbors. Of course the husband has an accent, because accents sell. I think he’s going for Australian, but he’s obviously never set foot in the land down under and probably couldn’t even find it on a map. It gets even better. Enter Hazel. Hazel is the chain-smoking librarian from down the street (at least she looks like a librarian, big oversized floral top, thick rimmed glasses on the tip of her nose complete with beaded eyeglass necklace and out of control frizzy red hair). She is the only person who’s name we learn and every single time she appears on camera a cigarette is hanging out of her mouth with an inch of ash on the end that is dying to break off and tarnish the pristine surfaces of this all-American household. Everything about this scene suggests that Hazel should a) not be this happy couple’s friend and b) NOT BE SMOKING.
As if the Magic Bullet wasn’t bad enough, infomercial number three manages to somehow be worse. Introducing the Kymaro body shaper, this revolutionary product manages to make you lose two dress sizes. Just feel the inches melt away, some perfectly petite blond woman spouts. At this point I was severely confused, huh, what? I put on this spandex and it causes me to lose weight? How? Actually the Kymaro body shaper does absolutely nothing but help you suck it in. Yet, they keep talking about dropping dress sizes and inches, as if the bulge was actually disappearing. They proceed to show obese woman after woman grabbing all her fat rolls and say wouldn’t you love to get rid of this? The solution is the Kymaro body shaper, keep eating all the crap food you want, but still drop dress sizes when you pop this spandex baby on. Seriously? Seriously?
The perfectly petite blond woman even has the nerve to cheer on one woman who is two sizes smaller in the Kymaro. She says, “You go girl!” Hey perfect blond lady, who has no need for a body shaper and probably eats well and exercises, this overweight woman hasn’t actually done a single thing to improve her physical condition, she hasn’t run a race, bottom line she hasn’t accomplished a thing. Why are you encouraging her? She’s still fat, she’s just a fat lady in spandex or whatever fancy substance the Kymaro is made of that helps flatten the bulge in.
Who the hell buys this stuff? Who the hell besides me is even watching this right now? I’m now personally only on this channel for sheer enjoyment. I might even die of laughter because this is so incredibly ridiculous. If it weren’t for daylight savings time and the hour I suddenly lost I think I’d keep watching to see if the next infomercial could top the Kymaro. Damn, daylight savings time.